I get this question every year:
"Why do I feel so miserable during the holidays?"
We feel pressure to feel joy during the holidays. We naturally like for people around us to feel whatever we are feeling. So if we are feeling holly and jolly, we are frustrated when someone else isn't feeling that. The flip side of that is that when we are feeling sad, lonely, anxious, and angry this time of year and everyone else seems to be living their best life, we feel isolated and invalidated. Below are a four common reasons we or our loved ones may feel down during the holidays, and what to do to help feel better about it:
Grief
Grief has earned the top spot on this list, and not just because I am a grief counselor. There are so many reminders of our losses. Just this year, here are a few of the
experiences related to grief during the holidays that I've heard so far:
"I am dreading buying and exchanging gifts since I lost my job." (Along with that is the dread of talking to family members about how their job is going.)
"I can't stand the smell of the christmas cookies baking. Specifically gingerbread. That was my grandmother's favorite to make."
"I have to stay off of Facebook and Instagram this whole month. All people post are of their perfect family get togethers."
"This is the first year my dog won't be under the table waiting for food to be dropped."
"It's really uncomfortable when they want to play a game and pair off into partners. Mine isn't here anymore."
"Why am I expected to hold her new baby when I never get to hold my daughter."
Grief is not a feeling in itself. It is every emotion that falls under the umbrella of experiencing a loss. With grief, any feeling is justified and is there to help us heal (as miserable and uncomfortable as it can feel in that moment). Let yourself have those feelings. It is okay to feel angry, resentful, sad, lonely, anxious, isolated, jealous, confused, etc. If you are someone supporting a person going through grief, let them have their feelings by validating them. "It's okay to feel this way. If I went through what you did, I'd feel that way too. Do you want to talk about it?", can go such a long way. Feelings are good to have, it's what we do with them that can make them healthy or unhealthy. Journaling, talking about your feelings to someone, having a pretend conversation in the car by yourself, setting boundaries, taking a walk, listening to music that helps you fully feel the emotion are all great ways to honor your feelings.
2. Trauma
Holidays are a big time for families to get together. That in itself invites a higher likelihood of drama and sometimes trauma. Add in to the equation that many families have alcohol as part of their gathering, and it can be a recipe for disaster. So whether it is directly from the holidays that the traumatic event occurred or having to be around a family member who was the source of trauma, the holidays can have many trauma triggers.
To manage these symptoms, first, validate what you are experiencing. Your brain is trying to protect you for something it is deeming as unsafe. From there, look at what you need to feel safe. Ways to do this may be setting a time limit, having an out to leave if you start feeling overwhelmed, practicing deep breathing and splashing cold water on your face when you use the restroom, having someone with you who can support you and hold your hand, choosing not to participate, and managing vulnerability factors. Vulnerability factors are things that can impact how easily we can manage our emotions. Things like drinking too much alcohol, not getting enough sleep, and eating a lot of sugar can all be considered vulnerability factors.
3. Expectations
"Expectations are premeditated resentments". This quote comes from Alcoholics Anonymous and holds a lot of truth. We feel mad when what we expect doesn't go our way. This leads to us feeling resentful. The holidays are full of expectations. We expect to get a gift that we hinted at or are so excited for someone to open the gift we know they will love. We expect dinner to be delicious and the decorations to be perfect. I'm guilty of expecting a white Christmas every year. (Last year was a big win for me despite the travel issues!) We also have expectations placed on us, like we will be happy to be with our family and will be in a great mood the whole time. I hear often hear parents talk about wanting to give their kids the best holiday yet. The intention is wonderful. The burden it's putting on us though seems to be causing more harm than good.
We want to try to manage our expectations. Try to make sure the expectations are reasonable. I have a former colleague who used to say, "Don't go looking for a puppy at Kroger. If you've never adopted a puppy from there, why do you think that is where they'd be now?" This was her comparison to when we are expecting someone to act differently than how they have in the past. It is good to have hope, and we still want to be realistic and not set ourselves up for resentment and disappointment. Another important step is to reflect on what is important to you and why. This can help with prioritizing and relieving some of the pressure we are placing on ourselves. It can also help us understand why someone else is putting pressure on us to have fun or do an activity with them.
4. Stress
I often see people throughout the year dealing with stress due to finances, family issues, and busy schedules. December is a month that we multiple this stress by a thousand. We want to do everything and have a lot extra on our plate. There's added time and cost for getting gifts. The time it takes to figure out what to get each person adds stress. We have more gatherings to go to. Even if we are excited to see people, it's still overwhelming to have a calendar full of holiday plans on top of work, school, medical needs, and other activities. My son wants to see the "Chu chu's" so we want to go to the botantical gardens to see their display. Then my husband loves the drive through lights at a park, so we need to do that one night. My mother-in-law and I love the the zoo lights so we have to schedule that too. It becomes a lot of planning and activity that we don't usually have to deal with. Not to mention, most of it costs money.
Similar to the other three, we want to look at what is in our control to manage stress. Figure out what is important to you and what might you want to say no to. I recommend scheduling days where you purposely plan to not do anything or just stay at home. A very important part is to do self care. Self care doesn't just mean exercise and journal (although those are two great ways to do self care). It is whatever helps you feel like you are truly taking care of yourself and filling up you tank of gas so that you can make it through the journey of these holidays.
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