Whether it is someone we deeply care about or a stranger who we strike up a conversation with in line at the grocery store, we can feel the vulnerability when someone shares a loss they are going through. We try to find the right thing to say and naturally want to make it better for that person. With these following suggestions on what to say (and not to say), you can feel more confident in your communication with that person.
1. Be genuine
Thanks to Google, we can easily search, "What to say to someone going through a miscarriage?" or "What to say one someone's dad dies?". While the intention is well-meaning, the best thing to do is be genuine and speak to what feels right for you and your relationship to this person.
2. It is okay to say, "I wish I could say something to make your pain go away, but I know I can't."
Part of being genuine is being honest. Saying things like, "I know I can't make the hurt go away, but know that I love you and am here for you", or "I don't know what to say. I hope you know I am here for you", can go such a long way. Make sure that if you are saying you are there for that person, you truly can be and that it is fitting for your relationship with them.
3. Touch on your personal experience without making it about you
If you have been through a similar loss, it is okay to say, "I understand on a personal level" or something of that nature. You do not need to go into further detail than this. It gives that person the opening to know that you may be someone who can offer a more relatable perspective. They get to do that on their timeline now and if they choose to.
4. "Sorry for you loss" is appropriate depending on the relationship
In sympathy, we are expressing pity. "I'm sorry for your loss" sends the message that I feel bad that you have to go through this. For a stranger or someone we don't have a personal relationship with who is sharing their loss, this is appropriate and a safe way of recognizing that person's pain.
5. Empathize
Empathy is when we put ourselves in the other person's shoes and try to fully understand their experience and feelings. Empathy can feel much more uncomfortable. Neuroscientists have found that when we empathize with someone grieving, we will have similar brain activity as the person going through the loss. When we receive validation and empathy, our brain releases feel good chemicals. Think of grief as carrying a heavy bag while walking a marathon. When we give empathy, we take a handle of that heavy bag of grief for a short time. It doesn't make it all better for that person, but it gives temporary relief.
6. Share memories or stories of the loved one who passed
We like to know that our deceased loved one mattered and had a story. I often have clients tell me how much more they learned about their loved ones because of people they met at the service or celebration of life. If it is appropriate for the timing and a reasonably appropriate story, offer to share it. It's a way we keep the loved one alive in our hearts.
Phrases to Steer Clear of:
"Everything happens for a reason"
Many people believe this and would agree. In the moment of a loss, especially a traumatic loss, this can be very harmful and isolating to hear.
"They're in a better place"
This may be true. But that place isn't here with us, so we don't want to hear it.
"At least..."
If you are starting a sentence this way, it is going to be an invalidating comment. Invalidation means we are disregarding or dismissing someone's feelings. During grief, all feelings are valid and are okay to have. The kindest thing we can do for someone who is grieving is give them space and as much time as they need to have these feelings.
Remember, the experience of grief is personal. What we say to one person that gives relief and connection may feel hurtful to someone else. Personally, I've had times when what someone says in the moment ticks me off. A few months later though, I can look back and see it with a different perspective. You cannot control how that person receives what you say. Try your best to think of how that other person is feeling and to be as human and kind as possible.
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